My Horoscope/Writing Abilities

" You're likely aware of your writing abilities, Sagittarius, but you may not realize the extent of your talent. It would be worthwhile to devote more time to your craft. You can't improve much if writing time is interrupted by other obligations. Take some time to produce something of value. Why not give it a try, even if just for a week or so, to see what you can do? "

I love my horoscope for today. I do need to devote more time to my writing - not sure I would call it my craft just yet though. 'Take some time to produce something of value.' I wonder if this blog would be considered something of value? Haha, probably not. Well it is invaluable to me because it does help me with my overall writing and my emotional health. Plus I would like to think I am leaving something for the future - my nephews or even my ancestors can look at it years from now and see what was going on, what I was like. I would like to work on my other writings though. I wrote a short story for a class last year I would like to polish. I am not sure it is any good but I guess that is why I should work on it...' devote more time to my craft.'

It is so weird. I have always said I love writing but yet I don't do enough of it. I suppose I love the idea of writing and I definitely love reading. I guess the reason I don't or haven't written a lot of stuff yet (other than mainly letters and this blog) is I am afraid my writing won't measure up. Do I have interesting stories to tell? On one hand I think I do (I think most people do - that is the psychologist in me I suppose, always interested in personal stories no matter how mundane), but my stories are all about me and my experiences. How do I get beyond that to create fictional stories that people want to read? How do I create meaningful stories? Stories that will stand the test of time and touch hearts and minds. That is part of my problem - I set myself up to fail before I begin because I want to write great stories that will be revered as classics. There is no sense in writing if I can't be this ages Jane Austin, haha. That is so bad. I need to get beyond that type of thinking but I always go back to it debating on what of value can I write, can I contribute to culture.

I know I can write beautiful characters, real characters but plot is more difficult. It is always said "Write what you know." What I know is interesting but not, in a way. It is hard to explain. Who wants to read a story about the middle class of our time? Or the working class of our time? Middle class/working class and about middle America! Can there be such as a thing as the great middle/working class novel of our time? Is it interesting enough? What would the plot be - work your ass off at crappy jobs, make due, until the your crappy rug is pulled out from under you and all your hard work is for naught? Boring, been done in more interesting ways. Plus how can sheltered old me even begin to 'write what I know' when what I know is so personal, so unique to my experience. I am dancing in circles. Perhaps I am making excuses. Perhaps I am not creative enough to write. =(  This makes me sad but yet I don't have the balls to practice, to create even if what I create leads to nothing substantial. UGH! 

Hot Weather

Hot weather = fun times in the pool.

Yay! Hot weather is back again and I hope to spend the next few days in the pool with my nephews. I can't wait. I love the weather to be hot (85+) in order to go to the pool or the beach. I cannot swim in cool weather - I really need to get over that! Plus the last few weeks I have been sick so I have been avoiding people. It has sucked! 

This summer has been a good one for hot weather and me and my husband have been able to spend some time at the beach, which is lovely. I am greedy and want more beach time. Of course we have spent some good times at the pool too. I love spending time in the pool with my nephews. It is fun watching them enjoy the pool (I am glad I insisted on having a pool, ha - knock wood) and learn to swim - they get braver each passing day. My nephew Kenny (he is 6) has been swimming like a fish this summer. He started out barely going under water at the beginning of the summer to going as far under as the pool is deep - he swims under and touches bottom now. He loves to swim. I always remember Kenny telling me I was a mermaid a couple of summers ago, now he is on his way to swimming like one too.

My nephew Alex (he just turned 4) also loves to be in the pool but he does not swim yet (as far as I know, it has been a few weeks since I was in the pool with him...now that I think of it he is dog paddling a bit) but he is on his way. He usually hangs out by the ladder but this summer he has started venturing out and recently started going under water. One day last month we were in the pool and he threw off his life jacket and announced he was going under water. I was like "Uh, OK" a little scared but you have to let the kids test themselves (I was actually more scared at his Mom's reaction but she wasn't around). He would dip under to test it out. It was so cute and lovely to witness his joy of the water. Alex is a funny little character and I hardly ever see him smile until he gets into the pool. 

Then there is Baby Brent who just turned 3. He also love the water just like his brothers and wants to swim in the pool just like them. Of course he sees them swimming around and wants to be just like his older brothers... or sees them without a life jacket and refuses to put one on himself. Actually he has always hated the life jacket. Most times we make him, threatening him with nap time if he doesn't cooperate. He puts on his life jacket fast enough then! He is a stinker. One time last month he was getting in the pool and refused to put his life jacket on. I let him get in without it thinking I would just hold onto him but the stubborn, brave baby decided he was going to swim like his oldest brother. The bad thing is he began to sink like a stone. I was right there as his little face went under water, his eyes got huge as he realized he was sinking and he began to panic. Of course I pulled him out quick as can be. He was alright and not too scared, I think he laughed once I pulled him out. I just hope that taught him that the life jacket is for his protection. Of course kids must push boundaries and test themselves. I just pray for my nephews to always be safe around the pool. 

Can I say again how fun and special it is watching these guys learn to swim? It is great to watch them develop each passing day. I wish I could spend more time with them. I also want to do a better job at keeping my memories of them, specially when they are young.

This summer I bought this log flume thingie for the pool. It is two blow up 'logs' that you sit on in the pool along with two blow up 'jousters' that you hit another person with to knock them off their log. I thought it would be fun and perfect for rambunctious boys to play with. If they could only stay on the log long enough. We found out that it is next to impossible to stay on the dang log. I had fun the first day I attempted to. My husband and nephews laughed at me as I tried to straddle the log and stay on. Of course the second I was on the log would roll and I would be dumped into the water with a shriek. It was fun. A couple of times I was able to stay on for more than a few seconds but Kenny thought it was more fun to see me get dumped into the water and he would push me off. My stepson Jordan is better at staying on the logs although we had fun teasing him because it looks hilarious to see anybody getting on the thing. He and Kenny actually were able to have a couple of jousts too, although I had to balance Kenny and hold his log. Jordan was the winner of the jousts of course. 

Ah summer memories, fun times in the pool. Those are the best!

Under Pressure

Take a deep breath Jackie!  I am so anxious today. I am thinking about school and alll I have to accomplish this year - I basically have to eat, breathe, poop, LIVE psychology. I predict I will be living in the psych dept. I have my internship on top of taking 13 other credit hours and perhaps working. I need to get involved in some research and I want to get involved volunteering in Flint. I start thinking about it and my mind starts racing. Then I think about all the decisions I have to make concerning the next year and graduate school. That is when the real anxiety kicks in. Whew! Can I do it all? Will I get in Grad school (psych programs are very competitive)? How will I pay for it? And will it all be worth it in the end? There is a doctorate program at U of M that is basically paid for because you work your way through but it is super competitive. My grade point average is up (providing I don't majorly screw up this year, ha) for it but to get in I would have to get my ass in gear and get involved in some research before applying as well as obtain some outstanding recommendations from profs plus practically ace the GRE. UGH! I would love to get in! On their website they say they get 300+ applicants a year but only accept about 5% of them - last year they only accepted 6!  So I am under pressure. I just need to relax and worry about this year and leave next year alone. SO this year my goals are:

 

Start on a weightloss program - eat better and exercise

Get all A's in my classes (I suppose I will settle for a B here and there if I have to)

Get involved in Psi Chi ( I was accepted last spring and I need to take advantage of mixing with other psych students) and any other psych club

Learn as much as I can from my internship and do a 'bang up' job

Get involved in some psych research at school

Get recommendations from my psych professors

Don't procrastinate!!!

 

Yay! It made me feel better to write all this out.

 

 

Role Ambiguity?

StepMom Magazine had a discussion on facebook that was interesting. I am going to repost it here with my answer.

"Role ambiguity is a common issue for stepmoms. It is intensified by social expectations that stepmothers should love children "as their own" yet not "overstep" any maternal boundaries. A challenging balancing act! How do you find peace and achieve balance in your role?" StepMom Magazine, Facebook

UM, I try to ignore the social expectations as best as I can a do what I think is right. While I never wanted to step on BM's toes and usurp her role (like I ever could??) it seems that my just being with her ex-husband and in their son's life has done just that so what is a woman to do? I am not going to disappear and neither is the kids father so BM and society will just have to to like it or lump it. I do what I think is best, all the while trying my hardest to protect my stepson from any 'parenting issues'.

Do Re MI

 

I love this! Why can't I ever get involved with something like this? Maybe 'cause I am not coordinated enough to dance in sync, LOL. The closest I've come something like this is being in a bar where everyone was singing along with a karaoke song. I am putting this on my bucket list - be part of a 'impromptu' mass performance. hehe

 

 

Here is one that may be more my speed. This is cool - very artsey.

Not enough child support?

This man is a billionaire and only gives his children $10,000 a month in child support. Not sure is this is for each child or not. The children, who are 18 and 22, are seeking $400,000 a month each. That is astronomical! In a way I can see why the guy is fighting it - his children should get an education on the money they do get and make their own way in the world. Of course if you are that wealthy why wouldn't you want to share the wealth with your children? But you should not be forced to. All in all I think all parties involved are greedy. 

http://specials.msn.com/A-List/Lifestyle/Billionaire's-child-support-case.aspx?cp-searchtext=Billionaire's%20child%20support%20case

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2010/08/billionaire-kids-donald-bren-child-support.html

Benefits of Sex

Here is a nice little video about the benefits of sex. Something to keep in mind: 30 minutes of sex burns 85 calories. ;p

http://health.msn.com/fitness/video.aspx?vid=0ec1f2ef-bfa1-4508-b1a0-fb3e8853ad4e

Yet Again, More Weight Loss Inspiration:

Looking for the magic to inspire me to get off my ass and get serious about losing weight. Off and on the past couple of months I have been more active. I have also been eating less and trying to eat healthier but I have not been a hard ass about it. I really want to get 'hardcore' about setting goals and sticking to some plan. It is the only way I am going to achieve some serious weight loss, which I need. I do not want to be fat for my graduation, or for the rest of my life. 

http://health.msn.com/weight-loss/slideshow.aspx?cp-documentid=100261909&imageindex=1&q=A+Lifelong+Battle

http://health.msn.com/fitness/video.aspx?vid=15ff65a9-128f-499b-bf80-d9d449ea4489

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/

Antisocial

I am feeling so 'antisocial' lately. I just want to stay home, read my favorite books, dream, imagine (get lost in make believe, ha) and write to my heart's content. 'I vant to be alone'. It is very frustrating though because there are many things I should be doing and I feel like I let my husband down when I want to be this alone. Plus it is lonely. I usually can deal with it pretty well because I generally like being by myself (I am comfortable being by myself) but I have this very persistant, plaguing notion I am letting myself and loved ones down. I have got a few things done, like a whole lot of laundry and I organized my linen closet (oh joy). I also have all my books for fall semester and I have started reading. I almost feel like I need this time before things get too hectic again. I am soon to start working for the Census again - before I know it school will be starting which will be pretty hectic with my internship and all. Ugh, getting anxious. Time to get back to reading Anne of Green Gables and imagining.

 

 Greta Garbo, famous actress and noted recluse. She has been credited with saying "I vant to be alone." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greta_Garbo

StepMom Magazine

I recently subscribed to an online publicaton called StepMom Magazine. I was enticed through thier facebook page. I discovered it some time ago but for some reason I was hesitant to subscribe. I guess it is because so much of the attitude of people toward stepmothers seems to be basically 'shut up and put up'. Even some stepmothers advise others this way usually in a gentle manner. I obviously don't agree with that philosophy (well generally speaking) so I was disatisfied with much being published about being a stepmother. This online publication goes beyond that philosophy as well as explores topics other than 'finding yourself' outside of the stepmother and wife role. It explores topics such as parental alienation, biomoms gone bad, the pain of divorce, how kids deal with divorce, etc. I love it! Just what I needed - I am so excited to have found it.

 

An article in the June publication deals with 'taboo subjects stepmothers are afraid to talk about' (by Jacquelyn B. Fletcher). It is a little cliche IMHO but also has some interesting points. I suppose I am quick to dismiss topics I feel that don't fit my experience like 'Jealous when my husband kisses or hugs my stepdaughter or angry when one of the kids sits between us on purpose.' I have never felt that because I love it when my husband and stepson spend time together. Granted I don't have a stepdaughter (and perhaps that is a little different dynamic) and I have a unique role as a stepmother (I have always had to provide transportation since my husband does not drive). I wish they could spend more time together without me having to be involved, haha. Well all that is changing 'cause my stepson cn drive now.

 

I like this topic: 'Horrified at the ex-wife’s behavior'. Of course I don't feel like that is a 'taboo subject' to talk about other than talking about it with my stepson. I feel like that type of thing should be talked about more and more because there are a lot of biomoms out there gettting away with an awful lot of crappy behavior which is detrimental to their children.

 

I love this advice from the author:

 

"Turn on your curiosity."

 

"If you are stuck wishing your stepchildren would stay at their mom’s house or fantasizing that the ex is hit by a bus, try turning on your curiosity. Ask yourself questions that spark your interest such as: I wonder why my stepson is so belligerent today. Maybe something happened at school. Maybe he’s hitting puberty? I wonder why the ex is so angry? Could she be scared? Could she be insecure because she thinks I’ll judge her? You can bet that if you’ve had a terrible, horrible thought about your stepfamily life, another stepmother has had the exact same thought. Even better? Instead of dwelling only on what isn’t working you can decide to focus on positive thoughts and actions that can help you build a happy stepfamily." (Fletcher, StepMom Magazine June 2010)

This is good advice. I have actually been doing this since I met my husband and stepson although I will admit I sometimes have trouble focusing on the positive when my husband's ex is at her worst. I can actually say that the problems I have with being a stepmother, being in a 'blended family' or whatever have not had a lot to do with my stepson or husband but more to do with processing the anger, the bad behavior of my husband's ex.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/StepMom-Magazine/46484521686

http://www.stepmommag.com/Default.aspx

Wish

Today is my Mommy's 60th birthday! It is hard to believe my parents are really that old, haha. How can this be possible when I still feel like their little girl? I remember one surprise party we had for my Mom back when she was young, younger than I am now (it must have been before her parents died). She was so thin and looked fabulous in a bikini. Superficial observation, but that is what I remember - that and her energy, optimism, and drive. She was healthier then, and happier. She still has the drive but a lot of the energy, optimism and happiness has been sapped out of her by health issues and life's trageides, or can I say (I wanna' write this for some reason) life's relentlessness. I wish that for her birthday she can regain some of that happiness, that optimism and energy from her younger days. She still looks fabulous.

 

  Mom and Me, Disney Cruise, 2005

Frida

Frida Kahlo

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frida_Kahlo

 

I saw a portion of the movie Frida this week-end and I wanted to know more about her. I just started investigating and all of a sudden I am fired up - inspired. Her life story is very interesting. I love her paintings, so colorful and dreamlike. There are deep psychological messages in them, something of the subconscious. I want to know more, see more. It is weird because her style of painting (surrealism, almost pop art) isn't usually my cup of tea but I am drawn to them.

 

From wikipedia:

"Kahlo once said, 'I paint myself because I am so often alone and because I am the subject I know best.' " I love it! I am totally feeling that. That is my blog - I write about myself because that is what I know best. I wish I could paint.