And while we're on the subject....

While we are on the subject of not feeling good and having no energy...

 

I really hate having to explain my lack of energy to people. Or at least I feel that I have to explain why I am always tired and do not have enough energy to do all that people want me to. I have Chronic Fatigue. People think it is a made up illness because no one really knows what causes it exactly or how to treat it. It is also hard for people to grasp the concept that a person with Chronic Fatigue is really ill because there are not any prominent physical signs/symptoms to the disease that people can empathize with, such as a limp, or puking or a rash, etc. Mostly I am just very exhausted, so much so that I cannot think and I get crabby. I really just can barely function - it like I get in a funk. I could sleep for 10 - 12 hours a day and not feel any better. I have to conserve my energy to get the things done that I need to. I really have to prioritize. It really sucks when 4 hours of work knock can knock me on my ass. Or not getting the proper amount of sleep for one night drains me for the next 2-3 days. Yeah, people don't really understand. They think that I can just will my way out of feeling tired or drink some coffee (or take an energy pill) and I will be alright. No, doesn't work like that, caffiene doesn't do anything for me. There is only so much a person can accomplish on sheer will power before they hit a wall. It is a constant struggle. It is hard to explain too. Hard to feel valued in today's society that runs, runs, runs. Hard to find understanding.

 

So to all my friend and family who see me struggling, who help me, who stand by me, who understand why I may not be able to do everything you want me to do (it really does impact the social life) - THANKS  

 

Back to the same ole, same ole

Struggling! OK, I haven't been writing in my blog too much lately. Not enough energy. ARGH! This is frustrating to me because there is so much I want write about, not just my personal life and struggles but also I am yearning to write about issues that matter to me. It seems the more I write, the more things become clear in my mind and I begin to generate ideas. I love ideas! And I want to create - I love creating.  I just need to find the freakin' energy to write everyday. This summer has been a mixed bag of some great vacations and a lot of activity between feeling sick and run down. I have had very little time for writing and creativity, although I have done a little reading which has started the wheels turning in my head. I need to find more energy. I have a pretty good idea what has been bringing me down - allergies have been super bad this year, and my chronic fatigue has been very bad... so I get sluggish and depressed. It seems I have developed asthma or some kind of lung problem. My Doctor is no help at all, not even for my allergies. Doctors have really not been any help to me at all for a while now. I have been severely let down it this department. Health care really sucks these days! This makes me just want to give up.

 

My efforts to find more energy:

 

I have been trying to exercise. I bought a wii and the wii fit board. I love it - it actually makes exercising fun so I hope that will help my energy level. I need to start eating better and taking vitamins. My thinking is I need to buckle down and lose some weight and work on getting healthier. I feel the less I weigh, the better I eat, the more I will be able to build up my immune system. My breathing problems could be tied into my weight problem.

 

I have been going to an alternative health practioner (well just 2 visits so far) of holistic medicine. Actually my Mom has been taking me. I have not really seen any benefits yet; I am hoping to eventually see some the more I go, the more I take the medicines she gives me, as well as my efforts to eat better, take vitamins and exercise. I just need to keep at it. Kick into high gear.

 

I also need to start writing again to try and keep me from getting frustrated, angry and depressed. The only thing is I need to find energy - need to keep my energy level up. All this comes back to energy and it roles in around in a vicious cycle. No energy to do everything I need to do let alone exercise and eat better, no energy to write, so then I get depressed and sick and have even less energy, then I get discouraged and want to eat to perk myself up, and lay around to try and get some kind of rest.... round and round. I need to stay positive and rely heavily on will power to get stuff done. Exhausting!! But I will break out of this cycle.

 

Next week starts school again. I am excited to go back but I am also apprehensive. There is so much I want to accomplish - do I have the energy? Am I ready to face the challenges? Can I juggle school, work, trying to shape out, family and all the activities I want to do? I feel very weak. I have been feeling especially weak for the past year and a half. It really sucks. I was hoping to feel better before I went back to school this year but I truly don't . Scary. So I am back to the same ole, same ole - feeling like crap, struggling to get prepared for school, and hoping for the best.

 

 

Heartbreaking

SPCA exec's dog dies after being left in hot car

The 16-year-old dog dies of kidney failure after being left for four hours

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32569213/ns/us_news-life?gt1=43001

This article made me so angry. I can't believe the woman in the article - of all people, she should have known better. I just keep thinking that this is BS. This exec should step down! How could you not know that your dog was in the car? So stupid... so know are other people going to get away with using that as an excuse, "Honestly, I didn't know my dog was in the car!" yeah, NO EXCUSE!

Talking about Resilience: Build skills to endure hardship - MSN Health & Fitness - Caregiving

Another great article....

 

http://health.msn.com/health-topics/caregiving/end-of-life/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100242451&gt1=31052

 

Everybody needs resilience.

Talking about How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

 Wow this is a great article. I can see a lot of psychological research and papers coming out of this. It is all about men and women's differing reactions to stress and comunicating. Interesting food for thought....

Quote

How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
Forget everything you've heard about frankness, sharing your feelings, getting him to express his. Research into the functions of the male mind makes it clear that discussion may be the fastest way to shut down communication. (Oh, you noticed that, have you?)

Summer Fun

KIDS!!

Mackinac Island

Upper Peninsula Camping

Hot days in the pool

County Fair

 

Water

I freakin' love water and I hate the thought of having to ration it! This article is disheartening  - it shows how much water is actually wasted in American households. YIKES! I waste a lot. I am not proud of it but I need a nice, long shower. I will have to re-read this article and see where I can cut back or do better in my consumption of water.

 

http://www.good.is/post/this-is-a-turn-off/?gt1=48001

Psychopaths

Another interesting article about psychopaths which also backs up the belief that I have that a lot of people can be psychopathic but are not always criminals and get by in regular society unrecognized (undiagnosed) as psychopaths. This psychologist believes that it may be a learning disorder.

 

Psychologist adds scientific insight to loaded label of 'psychopath'

"For most people on the planet, the term "psychopath" evokes thoughts of violence and bloodshed - and evil of the darkest kind. But during 25 years, a psychologist at the University of Wisconsin-Madison has built a body of work that may help temper such deeply ingrained perceptions."

"So who are psychopaths? Broadly speaking, they are people who use manipulation, violence and intimidation to control others and satisfy selfish needs. They can be intelligent and highly charismatic, but display a chronic inability to feel guilt, remorse or anxiety about any of their actions."

"Scientists estimate that 15-25 percent of men and 7-15 percent of women in U.S. prisons display psychopathic behaviors. The condition, however, is hardly restricted to the prison system. Newman estimates that up to 1 percent of the general population could be described as psychopathic. Surprisingly, many who fall into that bracket might lead perfectly conventional lives as doctors, scientists and company CEOs."

"But Newman has a different idea entirely. He believes that psychopathy is essentially a type of learning disability or "informational processing deficit" that makes individuals oblivious to the implications of their actions when focused on tasks that promise instant reward. Being focused on a short-term goal, Newman suggests, makes psychopathic individuals incapable of detecting surrounding cues such as another person's discomfort or fear."

"People think (psychopaths) are just callous and without fear, but there is definitely something more going on," Newman says. "When emotions are their primary focus, we've seen that psychopathic individuals show a normal (emotional) response. But when focused on something else, they become insensitive to emotions entirely."

My question - is violence always present in a psychopath? I have known a few people who fit this definition but violence is not evident in their behavior. Also I believe our society cultivates psychopathic behavior in a lot of ways. I mean how focused are we on instant gratification? Also, how often are we taught to tamp down or put a lock on our emotions (especially men) in order to complete a task or get through something difficult? How much are we taught to read (or the importance of reading people) emotional cues that would clue us into what others are feeling? I think in today's society, emotions and reading emotions are forgotten or are made out to be something that is not important or even something to be feared.

Here is another article about the psychopathic brain:

http://www.physorg.com/news168610123.html

"The research investigated the brain biology of psychopaths with convictions that included attempted murder, manslaughter, multiple rape with strangulation and false imprisonment. Using a powerful imaging technique (DT-MRI) the researchers have highlighted biological differences in the brain which may underpin these types of behaviour and provide a more comprehensive understanding of criminal psychopathy.

Dr Michael Craig said: 'If replicated by larger studies the significance of these findings cannot be underestimated. The suggestion of a clear structural deficit in the brains of psychopaths has profound implications for clinicians, research scientists and the criminal justice system.' "

If there are structural differences in the brain of a psychopath compared to a non-psychopathic individual then it would be interesting to combine brain scans with the testing mentioned in the Newman study from the first article I posted. This could help psychologists get beyond using prisoners and start using the regular population in studies of psychopathy. Of course, people may be resistant to being used in a study of psychopathy but I don't think you necessarily have to share the purpose of the study with the participants and of course all testing would be confidential. Interesting, interesting....I may be able to use some of this in school.

 

 

This one needed help...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32292246/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts

 

Gym killer leaves dark Web diary, details of plot

‘I chickened out!’ he wrote of same fitness class months before killing 3, self

 

This guy would have been a perfect candidate for counseling and group therapy. If only he would have gotten help before before he shot up the gym it probably would have never happened. I wonder if he was ever in therapy or if he didn't believe in it like a lot of men?

Weight Loss

Here is yet another article about people losong a lot of weight. I have posted this type of article before in hopes it would inspire me to really get motivated to make a change. Heck, if I would have started when I posted the first article like this I might be half-way to my goal by now (or maybe even 3 quarters). But I have not been motivated to really get serious about changing my diet and start an exercise regime.  Argh! I wish I could mount a computer and keyboard on a treadmill and blog/write (and play the Sims) my way to being thin. Hahaha

 

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/25708021/ns/today-today_health/

 

 

Thank You!

Moms reveal why they gave up their children

More women relinquishing custody in divorces; do they get an unfair rap?

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32200976?GT1=43001

This is great article talking about a subject that has not been talked about very much. The woman highlighted in the article is a truly strong woman to talk about this and I like what she has to say. 

“The more I talk about it, the more I find that people’s eyes are open to the reality — which is that over 2 million noncustodial moms are in America right now, and it is definitely increasing,” Spicuglia said. “People are recognizing that fathers can be amazing primary caregivers, and we shouldn’t sell men short.”

“For me, I made the best decision that I could in the best interests of my son. As parents, that’s what we have to do. It makes parenting the hardest job possible,” Spicuglia said. - She is talking about her decision to leave her son in the custody of his father while she went away to college.

Thank You. More woman need to quit selling the father of their children short, quit making decisions about their children based on what they, the women want (such as money or the need not to deal with negative perceptions) rather than what is best for the child.

Talking about Road Trip on a Budget: 3,000 Miles Over 10 Days - MSN Travel Articles

My family (parents, brother and I) and I did something like this (a long road trip) in 1986. My parents planned a 2 week road trip 'out west'. We went as far as Colorado and hit 12 or 13 states. It was interesting and fun at times. Of course, I was a teenager and I didn't really appreciate it fully but now I do. Then my parents would always take us (my brother and I) around our home state of Michigan. Michigan is beautiful and has a lot to offer. We did a 2 week tour of the Upper Peninsula. All the places we visitied and the memories are forefront in my mind ow that I am ready to go and spend a week in the U.P. Once my parents even planned a Canadian trip. That was fun too. We took the Agawa Canyon train into the Canadian wilderness. That was a long time ago but I remember and I want to do this with my family.

 

 

Road Trip on a Budget: 3,000 Miles Over 10 Days

http://guides.travel.msn.com/Guides/article.aspx?cp-documentid=1078286&icid=msn1078286&GT1=41000#

Talking about An article for you from Mom's Homeroom

 Great article in support of reading and getting your child into reading at a young age.

Quote

An article for you from Mom's Homeroom
Your friend recommends an article from Mom's Homeroom. Read the article:

Happy 4th of July Everyone

Celebrate the best of the United States!

 

Just don't go crazy....

 

The Great Catch Up Blog

(or “wat ive been up to” – I stole that from my stepson)

 

I have been wanting to write and blog like crazy these past weeks but I have not had the energy. I have been so tired and also have been dealing with a major sinus infection/allergies which has been kicking my butt. Now I am beginning to feel better and I need to get back to working on my writing. Blogging (writing easy stuff like what I have been up to) always seems to help me – once I start writing then I really get going and don’t want to stop. Then I can begin to work on more complicated writing. So I am going to write about what I have been up to since about the end of April. I also like to blog because then I go back and remember what was going on, how I was feeling, any tough times I may have gotten through.

 

School

 

Argh! It was a rough semester. I think it was because I was so exhausted. I really have been having a rough year (from about last year, June to this June) health wise which had manifested into a depression. It really sucks having to deal with health issues, being exhausted all the time, and being depressed on top of it all. In addition to trying to work, go to school, and be there for my family. I pulled it through though. I actually did a lot better than I thought I would. I got 2 As and a B.

 

I actually got an A in my College Algebra class! Wahoo! Thank God for partial and extra credit! It was rough going and half the time I didn’t know what I was doing. It was mostly graphing and I hate graphing. Silly me, I could have bought a calculator but I didn’t really want to spend a lot of money on a graphing calculator I would never use again. Let me tell you though, I sure was annoyed (that’s putting it mildly, I was actually about to rip my hair out on a couple of the tests) when I was taking a test and all the other students were clicking away on their calculators. Hehe. I guess I will have to remember that feeling and not try to be super student next time and buy any tools allowed.

 

My sociology class – Race and Ethnic Relations was easy specially since I already know a lot about African American history/culture and also about different ethnic groups (I have worked with a lot of different people and I try to learn from people I come in contact with). I got an A in that class. I really ended up liking that class. It was fun although the professor (who is a nice guy and had a lot of info) was a little boring. The other students were fun. Overall, I like discussing race issues and studying different cultures/histories/points of view so the class was a breeze.

 

I squeaked in with a B in Community Psychology. That was a hard class and I just could not get into it. The professor is not a good lecturer and I often found myself dozing off in class (that really sucks for all the money I pay for school). A lot of the theories in community psych seem to be sociological theories re-named. I guess it should have been easy but talking all theory bores me - I am sick of theories. I was hoping we would get out into the community or something. I want to learn how to counsel people and help people, DANG IT! There was a lot of writing for this class and the tests were super hard. I actually got all C’s on the tests but my writing saved me. We had to do 3 papers and one big group project and paper which I got all A’s on so that pulled my grade up.

________________________

 

ARGH! Well I'm back. I have been so sick, exhausted and busy of course. I really need to get to writing though. This blog is going to be one hot mess but I really want to write it. I will just have to add to it little by little until I get into the groove. I want to remember this past year. The theme is 'the good with the bad'  Ok, so back to school.

________________________

 

The thing about school I want to remember is the group projects. I had 2 group projects in my sociology class. They went OK. I met some good people in that class. Just one group project, even though we got an A plus extra credit on, was kind of a mess. It was a small group of 3. We got together to discuss the project. It was hard keeping everyone focused. Then one of the group members took responsibilty for making a powerpoint. Cool, great idea but since he took charge of the powerpoint and did not want to share control it ended up being too long and also confusing. Me and the other group member did not see the powerpoint before we had to present - big mistake. Our stuff, the way we wanted to present, was all out of order. The guy who did the powerpoint even added some extra stuff in there for me to talk about, which I had no idea about. Gee thanks! I dealt with it though. Hahaha, even getting the powerpoint working was a hassle - it took about 5 - 10 minutes of messing around with the computer to get it going. I am not sure what the problem was but it was a little embarrassing. Well, we got it going, did our presentation, and although it did not go how I would have liked it to go, it turned out alright. I guess I learned 3 things from that (or they were re-affirmed) - 1) Don't be afraid to give up control of some of the project, but 2) insist on looking at any powerpoints or presentation materials before the presentation, and 3) I am my own harshest critic. I usually get better grades on stuff than I judge my work is worth.

 

The group project in psychology was a big mess. That one made me so mad and bent me out of shape. I learned some lessons with that one too, but maybe a little opposed to what I learned from the sociology projects. I think maybe I should have taken control on this project. As a group (a group we had formed at the beginning of class from people that were sitting around us - we were stuck with the whole throughout the whole class) we had to research and develop a  program to address an issue in community psych. We had to write a paper about our research and make a presentation all about our project. It was a very in-depth project with a lot of points in community psych to cover.

 

 

I go out walking after midnight....

My husband and I took our dog for a walk tonight. The poor dog, Wally, had not been on a walk for a couple of weeks. We used to take him more often but we got busy, fat and lazy (Wally included - his butt was wore out). Heehee. It is nice to go out at night - cooler and usually more peaceful. A farmer was actually out with his big tractor plowing (originally I wrote ploughing but I had to look it up - I guess that is the British version. I find myself writing some of my words in Brit form. Weird) tonight. I hope no one was trying to sleep.   

 

It was a lovely walk tonight though.  I felt like I could walk for hours tonight. I would have if I didn't have a ton of stuff to get done. Why can't I have that kind of energy all the time? I do get a little more energized at night but not as much as I used to. Lately (maybe the past couple of years) I have felt just plain wore out. It really sucks. It was nice to feel a little more lively tonight.

 

Walking at night makes me think of that old Patsy Cline song and my sis Rachel. She used to go out walking, after midnight, thinking about her Ricky. Well sometimes she would end up knocking at Ricky's bedroom window for a late night rendevous but that is a story for another blog. I just usually think of her when I am walking at night. She'll like that.

Double Darn!!

Yesterday was my husband and my 2nd wedding anniversary but our 10th year together.

 

My husband had the flu and I wasn't feeling to great myself - allergies are so bad this year and I have some stinkin' cold that won't go away.  Darn it!  We spent some time together anyway and we had fun the night before. We went and saw a great blues band, Michal Bailey Band. They tour all over the US so if they are ever in your town definitely go and check them out. http://www.michalbailey.com/

 

I am excited we are going to Mackinac Island this week to celebrate our anniversary. We honeymooned there and are trying to make it an annual thing (although I was torn this year - kind of wanted to go as a family but I think we may be back for a day in July). Well, we booked our room a while back at our island home away from home, The Murray Hotel. http://www.4mackinac.com/mh_murrayhotel Now I find out we could have booked the Grand Hotel for a little bit more. Darn it again! They are advertising sepcial rates. http://www.grandhotel.com/ It has always been my dream to stay at the Grand Hotel. Oh, I've had tea on the porch with my husband and stepson and that was really nice but I would love to stay there. They provide breakfast and dinner, which my husband's boss raves about the food (lucky him - he stays there every year). I have been telling myself that if I lose weight and get down to my goal weight (gotta have a goal and definitely a reward) then I will treat myself to a stay at the Grand... and some new clothes of course - you have to dress for dinner. Here are some of our pics from when we went on the porch. These are from a long time ago. I almost cried when I went on the porch because I had always wanted to since I was little girl coming to the island. Yeah I'm a bit of a sentimental dork!

 

 My stepson is so silly and looks so small. When I was a lil'bit thinner.

Is he grabbing the horse's butt? haha

 

I love those pics. All this writing about and looking at pics of the Island is making me super excited to go. So I checked the weather forecast....it is forecasted to rain just about every day we are there! Double Darn it! Oh well, we will have fun anyway, just have to pack umbrellas and raincoats . As luck would have it Michal Bailey Band is going to be on the island as well as the comedian  http://home.earthlink.net/~stumail/ we seen 2 years in a row (and they serve the best drinks at that venue - I got buzzed off just 1, drunk off 2 haha). I also want to check out a tour of the Haunts of Mackinac Island. http://www.hauntsofmackinac.com/ Can't wait...

Ponder this...

"With her questions, she was striving to understand, as she had striven all her life, and she was tired to death of this search for meaning. She would never know why some people committed countless little cruelties - or bigger ones - and the struggle to understand had only exhausted her and left her empty, cold, and gray inside."

 

From the novel Intensity by Dean Koontz

 

I can identify with that passage from the book. That is exactly how I have been feeling and may be the root of my recent struggle with depression.

Talking about The Truth About Lying

 Here'a an article for a certain someone I know... Sure everyone lies or has lied but it can be avoided. There are better ways to handle situations than to lie. I wonder the affect a lying parent has on their children?? What is that teaching?

Quote

The Truth About Lying
From big whoppers to little white lies, almost everyone fibs on occasion. Here, experts reveal why.

My husband...

I have to give props to my husband today. He actually just celebrated his birthday not too long ago - maybe I should have written a blog honoring him then. Well this blog is just a little piece to honor the impact he has made on my life. I really have a wonderful husband - one of the very best. I have never had anyone as supportive of me as he has been and always is and I truly appreciate it even though I may not show it. I feel bad at times - I am supportive of him too but it is a little rough for us because this past year. I have been sick, depressed (things have been getting to me - the way some people act or treat others, the crappy economy, my health issues - ARGH!), and I also only have been working part time (in school full time) and not contributing barely at all to the family finances. This frustrates me. At times I have even been a major bitch!  It has been an emotional rollercoaster this year. Yeah, like I said, I feel bad but he never makes me feel that way and actually tries to make me feel better when I have a low moment. We can always talk things out, which is great. I hope I make him feel better in his low moments too. A lot of women complain about their husbands or men in general and I am lucky enough to not have to deal with any of that drama. I have someone who I can trust, who trusts me; someone I can rely on; someone with whom I can talk things out with; someone who is thoughtful and considerate (well he is not perfect - I did plant my ass in the toilet bowl the other night ) .... I just can't describe how fortunate I am that I have the husband that I do. I got lucky when I found my husband. 

 

Well actually I didn't find him, a mutual friend set us up. We both were working at Meijer (a retail and grocery store) but we really didn't know each other. I was hanging out with this one girl - Janelle, and she kind of brought us together. She got a group of us together to hang out after work at a nearby bar. That is when I really 'met' my husband. I always just knew him as "the annoying guy that works in the shoe department that talks way too much when I am trying to nap in the break room." Hahaha - sorry hubby, you know I love you (remember that first year I brought you beer and white chocolate for your birthday?). I kind of knew he was interested in me that first night we went out. I wasn't really interested in him  - only as a friend and someone to hang with. I was a little scared of relationships at that time, I just wanted to have fun, fun, fun. We did have a lot of fun but again, didn't think I wanted a relationship at that time. Specially with someone who was divorced and who had a young child. Like I said, all I wanted was some fun and I think that is all he wanted too - I don't think he was interested in a relationship at the time either (haha, probably just sex, which he picked the wrong girl for that kind of relationship!!). So we went out and had a great time. He took me slumming in the nearby hickville town he volunteered in as a paramedic, we hung out with his uber nerdy friend Travis, as well as a few other characters. We just had fun, playing pool, playing board games all night, getting drunk, dancing at the bar, and all around acting silly. I didn't really know where the relationship was heading, was a little scared it was heading in a direction I wasn't prepared for, but I went with it. At the risk of souding like a dork ... somewhere along the way he snagged my heart.  Our relationship developed pretty fast once I got over being scared of it and where I suspected ours was headed (haha against my better judgment, or so I thought at the time). The rest is history. Thank God I didn't scare myself away (or let other stuff scare me away)- my husband is the best thing that ever happened to me.  This June we will have been together for 10 years - married for 2. Thank God I am blessed and I hope my hubby feels the same way.