Men and Divorce

I am taking a developmental psych class this semester. We have to make weekly posts on BlackBoard (an online learning site) about a topic or topics discussed in class over the week. We were studying marriage, divorce, and work this past week so below is my post which my professor praised me for. I like to post my school work that I am proud of and I get awesome compliments on - haha, I know, I am weird or whatever but I really like my post and I plan to do some more work on this topic in the future. Lately I have been researching parental alienation syndrome and hostile parenting in divorce to come up with a research project. More research definitely needs to be done on those subjects as well as fathers going through divorce and those 'deadbeat dad's'. I know there are plenty of deadbeat parents but I believe some are labeled unfairly. 

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Men and women do recover differently from divorce
but I believe that as far as finances go, things are changing. I believe men
are having a more difficult time recovering financially from divorce than in
the past. The NPR article Prof posted touches on the fact that the current
recession has hit all men hard (not only African American men, although they
already suffered from high unemployment before the recession due to racism and
other factors mentioned in the article), really cutting into manufacturing
jobs. Many current news articles have addressed the problems of a lot of people
(both men and women of course) not being able to afford divorce because of the
economy – no one wants the marital home anymore because they cannot afford to
make payments. This has forced many couples to stay together or at least live
together even after divorce. This illustrates that all people are being
affected negatively financially. 

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=120351534

Also I believe that perhaps men’s problems may not
have been reported in the past giving inaccurate information as to how divorce
actually does affect them financially. Most men 'fly under the radar' because
they do not have access to government assistance if they are in financial
crisis; well other than if they lose a job and obtain unemployment insurance.
Unlike women, they do not typically receive Medicaid and food stamps because
they are less likely to care for children and do not bear children. So women
(with children) in poverty are more likely to be reported and counted because
they apply for and qualify for government assistance. Men usually just have to
suck it up and deal with financial hardships as best as they can and pay their
child support if there are children involved - they are even expected to
maintain the same level of child support even if they are experiencing
financial hardship. 

Overall, men are less likely to talk
about their problems. Many of the deadbeat Dad's we hear about just disappear
from their children's lives because they feel of little value when they are
unable to pay child support (or maintain child support payments) when they are
in financial hardship. In Chapter 10, implicit social beliefs are discussed. It
seems that there is an implicit social belief that children are better of with
Mom after a divorce. This is not always the case but the belief seems to be
upheld by courts and it scares a lot of men into not fighting for custody, or
at least shared custody. There is also a belief that men that do not pay their
child support are all deadbeats. Sometimes it is just that they were
experiencing financial hardship and could not get caught back up after.
Generally, it is then that they disappear from their children's lives so they
get the bad reputation of not only not providing for their kids but not wanting
to have anything to do with them. 

I wish that there was some way to get people to
consider the consequences of divorce before they get married or at least before
they have children. Divorce seems to be much harder on both males and females
in the relationship when children are involved (not to mention the toll it
takes on the children). 

http://www.theartofloveandintimacy.com/2007/03/four-horseman-of-apocalypse-john.html



The 'four horsemen' (John Gottman's work) we talked about it class, how
they negatively impact a marriage, continue to negatively impact relationships
(including a child’s relationship with their parents) after a divorce. Usually no
one, of course, has any interest in maintaining any sort of relationship but
many people forget (or try to ignore the fact) that if they made a child
together they are tied to the other parent for life. I know first hand the detrimental
effects divorce has on men by watching my husband have to deal with his ex-wife
over visitation and child support issues. He has always paid his child support
but his ex (blog disclaimer; of course this is my perception of events and even though she has admitted to being 'petty' I am sure she sees things differently, so all this is my opinion, perception, conjecture, etc.) often treats him like he is a deadbeat – sometimes criticizing him
in front of their son (God only knows what she says behind his back); she shows
open contempt for him, gets defensive when anything she does is questioned
although seem to feel free to question him, and she also often stonewalls over
visitation/parenting issues. It is like WE are all stuck in a bad marriage
because we have to deal with each other for the sake of the child. Sure this
will lessen when my stepson turns 18 but there are many events, milestones or
'rites of passage' that happen after 18 that parents are likely to be involved
in. So if relations are contentious it is really bad for all involved.



I could go on and on about divorce and the
negative effects, especially what I have witnessed with my husband and stepson.
It always brings me back to this: people need to be more careful who they get
involved with, get married to and make children with. Sure the stigma has worn
off divorce in this country but the negative impacts of divorce are great and
there is much research to be done on its effects, especially of the effects on
men, who are often forgotten in the mix.



Here are a couple of good websites I like
concerning divorce:



http://www.mediate.com/articles/psych.cfm



http://www.paskids.com/

http://www.hostile-aggressive-parenting.com/what_is_Hostile_Aggressive_Parenting.asp

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/childrenanddivorce/qt/chilfrens_right.htm

 

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This is one of the most thoughtful and
informative posts I've ever seen.  Thanks very much.  How the economy
affects divorce rate, gender differences in how one reacts to divorce and
unemployment, the 4 horseman "following" the couple, even after
they're divorced and negatively affecting the remarriage...and more.  Lots
to consider...thanks again.